Six Friends

(from January 2010)

Last week on the Today Show, there was a segment from a woman who had written a book about “the six kinds of friends every woman should have”.  It got my attention since I’m into lists or things that are ranked.  It’s also the reason the movie “High Fidelity” hooked me within the first five minutes; I enjoyed hearing John Cusack rattle off his top five lists with such sarcasm and assuredness.  People who declare lists of things in this manner give off the impression that they have lived through it all, and can now funnel all the important stuff with such ease and clarity.  And now (cue rotating spotlights and boomy, echo mic) they can help you live through it all too!  What a time saver! 

            I digress.  Back to the woman with the book.  In her six and a half minutes on-air, she was able to speak at warp speed to Meredith Viera and the rest of us about each of the six kinds of friends we women are to covet and experience in our lifetime.  Here they are, in list fashion:

·      The Childhood Friend

·      The New Friend

·      The Workout Friend

·      The Spiritual Friend

·      The Younger Friend

·      Your Partner’s Friend

            And there you have it.  Of course, even if you have no interest in this woman’s book, seeing a bulleted list on your TV screen (and now on this paper) makes you immediately go into checklist mode.  I am intrigued enough to at least try to put a face or two with each one. 

The Childhood Friend

            I suppose this idea has to do with the benefits of having someone accessible in your life who “knew you when”.  My friend Melissa is the easy choice here.  Our parents were best friends (both moms and dads) and we became instant friends when we were both in the same dance classes.  She had the coolest house because it was just up the street from Lakeside, the town’s amusement park.  We could see the top of the roller coaster from her bedroom window, and I still dream of having an old, squeaky-floored, crystal door-knobbed, Victorian home someday.  I had the privilege of being in Melissa’s wedding, being around for her when her father passed away a few short years after mine, and countless laughs about the past.  I am thankful that we are still in touch and that we still find it so easy to talk to one another.

The New Friend

            I find this one difficult at first thought.  I feel that in my adult life, I have had a series of new friends that have came and gone.  I suppose their staying power shouldn’t be what nominates them as “new”.  My friend Kavita comes to mind, as she was one of the first new friends I made once I moved to Northern Virginia over ten years ago.  She now lives in Chicago and even though we do still keep in touch and even visit one another now and again, I wouldn’t call her a very close friend at this point. 

            I believe I’d more appropriately choose my friend Kevin.  Wait, are these six friends supposed to be only female friends?  Kevin and I met during the summer of 2008 when we both joined the same random DC kickball team.  When I say “random”, I mean that none of us knew each other before showing up for the first game downtown on the National Mall.  Lucky for us, everyone was extremely nice and many of us are still good friends.  In fact, I would say that the people on my kickball team definitely rank among some of the friendliest people I have met in my eleven years of living in the area.  Even though I am unable to make most of the events on their social calendar, since I live out in the burbs and most of them are city folk, they always, always, always extend invitations and keep me in the loop.  Sometimes, it’s just being invited that makes you feel less lonely and more connected.

            Upon first meeting my teammates, Kevin was the one I thought I would be least likely to gel with.  Let’s just say his outward appearance would suggest motorcycles, possibly drugs, and punk rock.  Turns out that punk rock is the only valid one of the three.  He is by no means extreme, and I sometimes feel badly that I thought otherwise, even if it was only for a few hours.  We ended up totally clicking during the first game, mainly because he is hilariously high on life.  He’s loud in a happy way, he knows this, and he spreads it around very unassumingly.  More importantly, he is nice to ev-er-y-bo-dy.  Everybody.  He’s the kind of guy who would give his very last penny to a total stranger.  Kevin is my go-to for a movie buddy, fun and free stuff in DC, and is one of the few people besides my boyfriend and my family that I can almost always count on to pick up the phone at any hour.  He’s also creative, and comes from a similarly dysfunctional family.  We can relate.  He’s also great at giving the guy perspective when I am otherwise clueless. 

The Workout Friend

            George.  George is the friend who has been my recent yardstick and inspiration for physicality.  George and I were roommates in college for two years, so I’ve known him for a while.  Until almost three years ago, I had never known George to be very physically active even though he has always been jealous-inducing thin.  But it was almost three years ago when he went into great length over dinner about his relatively new hobby of distance running.  By the time the check came for our insanely high-calorie Mexican meal, he had convinced me that I could successfully finish a half-marathon if I trained for only three months.  And he was right.  I figured if he could do it, having little to no background in endurance sports, then I had a chance at it too.  And now, two marathons later, I am hooked.  George and I live in different towns, but train together for our respective races via the phone, internet articles, and strategic monthly training plans that hang on our refrigerator doors.  You should also know that George is ordained as a pastor and is amazing at it.  He currently counsels at-risk, emotionally-disabled kids for a school division in Luray, Virginia.  He is one of the best listeners I know, and can quickly sum up how you’re feeling with eloquence that hits home immediately.  His wife Abbey is a dear friend as well, and their one-year-old son Sam is magical.

The Spiritual Friend

            These may be more transient for me than the “New Friend” category.  I have not been lucky enough to have a core friend to go to for lengthy discussions on spirituality.  My history with religion, or rather, religious people, has been bumpy, leading me to feel more private about how things make sense for me. 

            However, I have recently begun exploring my hobby of writing.  Doing so has opened me up to my thoughts and beliefs with more focus.  My writing group is wonderful and sincerely accepts everything I could and would ever say, if it’s true to how I was feeling.  I think that a spiritual friend is just that.  I have plenty. 

The Younger Friend

            I suppose this category is meant to “keep you young at heart”.  I don’t feel old enough yet to desperately need that, but Stephanie and Ashly are both young enough to remind me sometimes of the more past-tense phases of my life.  They have both been coworkers of mine, and their energy has often kept me going at times when I’ve felt more like coasting by.  Another neat thing about having younger friends is feeling helpful when they come to me for advice.  I’m very grounded in thinking ahead all the time, and I value these younger friendships to remind me to look backwards for my own advice at times. 

           

Your Partner’s Friend

            Of course we all want to seem cool – especially during that first meeting of your partner’s circle of friends.  We want everyone to magically hit it off, while we dream of hosting fabulous dinner parties and game nights.  Eventually, this can all lead to ladies nights of gossiping while all the men are downstairs drinking beer and shooting pool. 

            My relationship life has a different picture.  Matt and I do not have huge circles of friends around all the time, but concentrate on the closer ones.  We have not comingled our friends into our relationship much.  It’s not that I don’t like his friends or that he doesn’t like mine – we simply aren’t around each other’s friends often enough to form any kind of real bond. 

            There is one who comes to mind as perhaps having the most potential.  Matt’s friend Sam is married to Sarah.  I think that Sarah and I, if given the chance to hang out  more often, could really click.  She’s a runner, and even more of a maximizer than I.  There’s a lot of common ground to start from.  She is also very nice and easy to talk to.  I don’t know if it counts as one of Matt’s friend, since he’s only known her through his friend Sam, but it’s where I would start.  I have a feeling that this notion of your partner’s friend is maybe something that comes with marriage or in a different stage of life. 

            I’m curious about whether such a list exists for men.  Are there six types of necessary friends for men?  If so, how do they compare to the requirements for women? 

          Applying this list to my friendships reminds me to have more patience and to pay more attention to what really matters.  It’s not always about how many people show up at the happy hour you planned, but who shows up when your father passes away.  Or, who sends a short but sincere email after you’ve had a success in your life.  Maybe we all need six essential kinds of friends to have constant back-up for everything we will face in a lifetime.  Or to help us publish a book.